I've been quiet. Not only in the virtual world, but in like...real life. I've been short with inquiring minds, and have mustered some half-hearted smiles to well-intended comments. The wait. The process. Adoption. We all talk about it but we don't really get it until we are in the thick of it. Where each day is encompassed by a blanket of waiting. Another day we can slash a big, bold line through. Another day closer to our baby. And it can get hard. And it has been hard. We had our immigration approval in-hand on May 13th. This is a HUGE step in the adoption process because it means that DTC (dossier to china) is only weeks away. Well, that was two and a half months ago now... We have had some, eh, road blocks. And I have had some, eh, tantrums. Our first road block came when our agency found a mistake in our home study. The result: an entire page of our signed, sealed, delivered home study would have to be rewritten. This set us back four weeks. And I threw the biggest fit and totally freaked out and attempted to micro-manage every detail of fixing said mistake. In the end I had to "chill out" and I felt another piece of my control-freakiness fall off. And I sank a little deeper into God's will. Next came the authentication process. "Two and a half weeks" our agency said. Ok, let me quote you on that and email you every other day and especially on the specific day it should be at the next step and stalk the status of this paperwork like a full-blown creeper. We all do it. This in NORMAL for us adoption mamas, ok? By three and a half weeks our paperwork still wasn't back and I received an email from our social worker at 4:59pm on a Friday afternoon that stated that it would not be back until the following Tuesday. Note to all social workers: this is NOT how unstable, emotional, and at many times, crazy adoption mamas like to receive not so amazing news, just FYI. I drove to work with tears streaming down my face. Frustration. Disappointment. Longing. But most of all.. a deep sense of total, and utter lack of control. And on that sunny afternoon drive another piece of myself died to my flesh, and I sank deeper into God's will. The day finally arrived that our long-awaited DTC email should be making it's glorious way into my inbox and all the praises were going to be sung! Morning: nothing. Afternoon: nothing. Evening: nothing. Humph. That night on the way home from work I drove in silence. In the quiet God started speaking quite loudly. Only in His perfect timing would any of this come to pass. I was powerless to change one single thing about that. On the very day that He has ordained and predestined would be the day that we get to be with our girl, and no other. The sovereignty in that can stir the sweetest peace and the deepest fear. How do I learn to trust in God's ways, no matter what? A lifelong lesson I am determined to learn. The next morning I awoke to an email from our social worker and it stated that some documents had been left behind in the authentication process and that it would be another 2-3 weeks before we could be DTC. And with this news came disappointment, no doubt. But instead of my usual status: major melt down followed by crocodile tears. I felt myself pushing forward, sinking deeper into the perfect will of God. And these are the days of a mama going through the process. The highs and lows of this broken yet beautiful journey of adoption. We may be DTC in August, we may not. Only God knows. We'll get there when we get there! These song lyrics by Lauren Daigle could not be more perfect. They have become a prayer that is on repeat in my soul. I share them with you in the hope that they help you in those really hard days. You are my strength and comfort.
You are my steady hand. You are my firm foundation, the rock on which I stand. Your ways are always higher. Your plans are always good. There's not a place where I'll go, You've not already stood. When You don't move the mountains I'm needing You to move. When You don't part the waters I wish I could walk through. When You don't give the answers as I cry out to You. I will trust. I will trust. I will trust in You.
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Kelty. Archives
September 2018
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